For many leaders, the thought of giving feedback to their employees makes them uncomfortable, so they choose to avoid it. However, not giving your employees regular feedback robs them of important opportunities to improve and grow.
There are usually two main reasons that leaders avoid giving feedback: fear and lack of understanding. They may fear harming their existing relationship with the employee or are fearful of how the employee may respond. The leader may also be unsure about the best way to give feedback because they haven’t been trained on how to do it effectively.
But let’s consider what we have to gain by giving others feedback. It can help them improve their performance significantly or make slight course corrections that can have a notable impact. Giving feedback also shows that you care about them and want to help them improve. Patrick Lencioni, author of The Ideal Team Player, talks about why it’s so important to overcome your own discomfort in order to give feedback.
In order to simplify this, I like to use the metaphor of preparing a meal as a framework for giving feedback: Prep the ingredients, cook them and then sit down and share a meal. Giving feedback follows a similar rhythm:
First, prepare the ingredients, like chopping onions and celery. How you prepare for the conversation is just as important as the conversation itself. It involves pausing for internal reflection and getting clear on the answers to a few questions: What is my intention in giving feedback? What do I want for my relationship with this person? What was the behavior that they displayed that is leading me to give feedback? What was the impact of their behavior? Once you have clarity around your own thoughts, feelings and intentions, you can state them clearly in the conversation you want to have.
Next, you cook the ingredients, which is the actual work of delivering the feedback to the other person. However, you’ll want to do a few more things before you throw the ingredients into a hot pan to cook them up. First, check in with the person and ask, “Is this a good time to give you some feedback?” You don’t want to offer feedback if the recipient is not ready or willing to receive it.
Once you’re both ready, it’s important to start your conversation with your intention for the person or your relationship — something like, “I’m sharing this with you today because I care about you and know that you want to make a great impression on our clients.” If you don’t state your intention, the other person might create a story in their head about why you are really giving them feedback. And take it from me, it’s usually not a positive story!
After you share your intention, shift into the tried-and-true SBI feedback model from the Center for Creative Leadership. “SBI” stands for situation, behavior and impact.
- Start by describing the situation in which you observed their behavior (e.g., “At last week’s team meeting…”).
- Then state the behavior that you observed. Don’t use words that make assumptions or judgments, like “arrogant” or “aggressive.” Describe the behavior you witnessed using your bodily senses — especially eyes and ears. Instead of interpreting the behavior (“You were aggressive”), describe it as, “You spoke in a loud tone and spoke over others when they were speaking; your face turned red, and you leaned over the table.”
- Finally, explain the impact of their behavior. “Others in the meeting felt intimidated by this. It created an awkward silence, and we wrapped up the meeting early because people didn’t feel safe to speak up or disagree with you.”
Finally, sit down to a meal together, which is the equivalent of inviting the person to dialogue with you. It is not a one-way conversation. Invite the other person into a conversation and learn about their perspective. Ask some questions to find out what was happening for them: What happened from your perspective? What is your take on this? Allow them to share their perspective of their behavior at the meeting, in our example, and what may have triggered it. Stay curious and ask more questions. Don’t rush to judgment or tell them what they should do next time.
Let’s assume in this scenario that they felt disrespected by someone else in the meeting, and that led to them feeling angry and resulted in the behavior you are discussing. Here’s where the conversation can go a few different ways. You could make a request, you can coach them around their behavior, they may choose to commit to future behavior or there may be some combination thereof.
- Request. “In the future, when you feel yourself getting angry, I’d like to ask you to excuse yourself from the meeting and take a breath.”
- Coaching. “You mentioned you felt disrespected by what James said. What other choices do you have when you are feeling disrespected? What might be some other ways to respond when you have that feeling? How can you know if James intended to disrespect you?”
- Commitment. “It sounds like if this happens again that you will ask James what he meant instead of making an assumption.”
By following this approach, you will find that you’ll feel more confident and willing to engage in feedback conversations: (1) state your intention to help, not harm, (2) stick to the SBI framework and (3) invite the other person to a conversation. Over time and with repetition, this process will become second nature. Your team members will appreciate that you care about them enough to speak up.
This article was previously published by Forbes Coaches Council on March 23, 2020.