I was recently at a professional networking event with my neighbor, Andrea. After introducing Andrea to another friend, Gabriela, the two hit it off and had lots of interests in common to discuss. As we left the event, Andrea said to me, “Thanks for introducing me to Gabriela. She was such an amazing listener. Unlike other people at the event who just listened to determine if I could be a potential client, Gabriela was really interested in what I had to say.”
Chances are you’ve had a personal experience like Andrea when you felt you had been listened to in an authentic way. It might be rare, but it feels so good when someone is completely present and actively listening to what we say. We can easily feel the difference when someone is “fake listening” and just nodding their heads (sometimes just waiting for their chance to talk) rather than authentically listening. I refer to this as the difference between “stingy listening” and “generous listening.”
We can all become generous listeners if we practice this skill regularly. And as leaders, it is a particularly important skill to master because it directly impacts whether your employees feel heard and valued, how you build trusted relationships within your organization, and how well you develop business — because your clients want to feel heard, too.
Challenges to Being a Generous Listener:
“I don’t have time.” Some believe it’s faster to tell their direct reports what to do rather than take time to really listen and understand their perspective.
- Overcoming the challenge: You can save a lot of time and effort in the long run if you practice generous listening with your employees. Taking time to listen pays many dividends: (1) you communicate to your team members that you value them and their ideas; (2) you learn new information, such as potential solutions to a problem or risks of a decision; and (3) you learn the intentions, motivations, and perspectives of others, which is also very valuable in a business context.
“I know what they are going to say anyway.”Assumptions can be made about what the other person is going to say. But that often backfires and may or may not even be true.
- Overcoming the challenge: Stay in a place of curiosity so you don’t assume what the other person will say. Make it a mental game and keep asking “I wonder. . . . ” Notice what helps keep you in a place of curiosity instead of rushing to internal judgment or criticism.
“I’m paid to be the expert.” Some workplace cultures emphasize the value of leaders as providing wisdom and knowledge as subject matter experts. Listening is not viewed as providing the same level of value to the organization.
- Overcoming the challenge: It’s very hard to serve as the expert AND simultaneously be curious and listen to others. So the more frequently we stay in a curious mode and focus on what we can learn, the easier it is to focus on listening. When a leader commits to staying curious, they become a role model for others in the organization. Over time, other leaders will feel more comfortable exhibiting the same behavior once they see the value of listening.
“How can I listen without agreeing?” Leaders may not know how to verbally acknowledge what the other person is saying without appearing to agree with them. They are afraid of how their acknowledgement may come across to the speaker or getting in over their heads by committing to something (i.e. inadvertently agreeing to a raise).
- Overcoming the challenge: Learning some “go to” phrases will help you to acknowledge others when you are listening, but not necessarily agree. It’s important to actively acknowledge in order to confirm or clarify. Using words to acknowledge what has been said lets the speaker know you are actively listening and also allows the speaker to clarify if you didn’t hear them correctly the first time. Some leaders are concerned about their acknowledgment being incorrectly misinterpreted as agreement. Here are some tried and true verbal acknowledgements to experiment with: “Hmmm,” “Okay,” “Uh-huh,” “I hear you,” “I see,” and “Yeah.” Just be careful with “okay” and “yeah” because depending on the tone of your voice, it could sound like agreement instead of acknowledgement.
You can also paraphrase or use mirroring language as another way to show you are listening. Using phrases like “You feel/believe/see . . . , ” “It seems/appears. . . ,” or “I’m hearing you say . . . ” communicates to the speaker that you are hearing their message.
Additional Tips to Become a More Generous Listener:
- Display genuine curiosity about what is going on with the other person. What has their experience been? What are they thinking? Feeling? Two people can experience the same event, like listening to a symphony orchestra, and have completely different reactions (i.e. ecstatic, bored, melancholy). So getting curious about what the other person is experiencing is a way to stay engaged as a listener.
- Show empathy for the other person. Even if you don’t normally see eye-to-eye with the person you are listening to, they still have hopes, fears, dreams, and goals, just like you. We all share the same basic needs. Remembering that you have many things in common as humans and a desire to be treated with respect can go a long way. Listening to another person is a great way to show respect.
- Maintain eye contact and give the person your full attention. Don’t give into the temptation of typing on a keyboard or looking at your phone while listening. If you are busy and trying to meet a deadline, let the other person know when you’ll be available to listen. “I’ve got to finish this report by 2pm, but are you able to swing back by at 2:15? I’d love to hear what you want to share and can give you my full attention once I’m finished with this.”
- Listen to the whole person. Listen beyond words for intentions and emotions, so you are sensing the entirety of what the person is communicating. Words are only a portion of what we use to communicate. Seven percent (7%) of all communication is verbal, whereas 35% is through tone of voice, and 55% is non-verbal (body language). If we only listen to words, we are missing quite a bit.
- Don’t start building your argument or rebuttal in your head. Often, we are focused on preparing what we are going to say in response. Instead, it is okay to pause and remain silent for a moment before determining how you want to respond.
- Don’t interrupt. It can be tempting to jump in to complete the speaker’s sentence or thought. Refrain from doing this and instead nod your head and use other non-verbals (such as smiling) to show you are listening. Wait for the speaker to pause and be sure they are finished before jumping in. An important of this practice is learning to be comfortable with silence and not rushing to fill it.
Listening is one of those skills that we can easily gloss over and assume we do well, so we may not focus on it or continue to develop the skill. I encourage you, especially if you are a leader, to reflect on how well you are listening to those around you. After a team meeting or one-on-one meeting with a direct report, check in with yourself and rate yourself as a listener. When were you fully present and when were you distracted? What distracted you? What helped you to stay present, engaged, and curious? By regularly reflecting on what you are doing well and where you can improve, you will be well on your way to becoming an A+ listener.